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More jokes about teachers and students

30 Oct

teacher jokes

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ….
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run …

Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
“A” is for God.
“B” is for me and my wife.
“C” is for the perfect student.
“D & F” are for all other students

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the….
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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About the importance of being bilingual

30 Oct

bilingual

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual…A person who speaks three languages is trilingual…A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American.

GHOTI

30 Sep

ghoti

George Bernard Shaw, a famous Irish writer, wanted to reform English spelling so that it was more logical.  He asked the following question as an example: “How do we pronounce the word ghoti?” His answer was “fish”.  How can “ghoti” and “fish” sound the same? George Bernard Shaw explained it like this:

  • the gh = f as in rouGH
  • the o = i as in wOmen
  • the ti = sh as in naTIon

Of course, this was a joke. The word “ghoti” is not even a real word. But it showed the inconsistency of English spelling.

Phoney phonetics

30 Sep

One reason why I cannot spell,
Although I learned the rules quite well
Is that some words like coup and through
Sound just like threw and flue and Who;
When oo is never spelled the same,
The duice becomes a guessing game;
And then I ponder over though,
Is it spelled so, or throw, or beau,
And bough is never bow, it’s bow,
I mean the bow that sounds like plow,
And not the bow that sounds like row –
The row that is pronounced like roe.
I wonder, too, why rough and tough,
That sound the same as gruff and muff,
Are spelled like bough and though, for they
Are both pronounced a different way.
And why can’t I spell trough and cough
The same as I do scoff and golf?

Why isn’t drought spelled just like route,
or doubt or pout or sauerkraut?
When words all sound so much the same
To change the spelling seems a shame.
There is no sense – see sound like cents –
in making such a difference
Between the sight and sound of words;
Each spelling rule that undergirds
The way a word should look will fail
And often prove to no avail
Because exceptions will negate
The truth of what the rule may state;
So though I try, I still despair
And moan and mutter “It’s not fair
That I’m held up to ridicule
And made to look like such a fool
When it’s the spelling that’s at fault.
Let’s call this nonsense to a halt.”

Our strange lingo

30 Sep

keep calm

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose, and lose

And think of goose and yet with choose
Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone –
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.

Can you say that?

30 Sep

can you say that

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead –
For goodness sake don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

Ice breaker: Where does English come from?

13 Jun

1. How many people speak English in the world?

2. How many native speakers are there?flags

3. Where does English come from?

4. What foreign languages does English include?

5. How many countries have English as an official language?

6. How many words are there in English?

 

So where does English come from, and how did a little island off the coast of Europe produce a global language spoken by almost 2 billion people?

Let’s take a look at the history of English: where it originated from, how it evolved and why it is so important today.

English is the second the most spoken language in the world, with almost 800 million native speakers.  Although Mandarin Chinese is spoken by more people, English is much more widespread than any other language.

So where does English come from?  It was first brought to the British Isles 1500 years ago by three Germanic tribes.  The name “English” comes from one of these tribes, the Angles, who spoke a language called English.  English has its roots in Anglo-Saxon, although language like Danish, Norse, and Norman also had a big influence over the years.  As the British came into contract with other nations, many foreign words were added to the English vocabulary.  Modern English includes words from Latin, Greek, French, German, Arabic, Hindi, Italian, Malay, Dutch, Sanskrit, Portuguese and Spanish, to name just a few.

Today, English is the language of science, aviation, computing, diplomacy and tourism, and the official language of almost 50 countries.  Half of all business deals are conducted in English, two thirds of all scientific papers are written in English, and almost three-quarters of world’s mail is written and addressed in English.  It has the largest vocabulary of any language, with more than a million words (if we include slang expressions, scientific words and technical terms).

Although this may intimate English learner, remember that you will probably recognize many words from your own language, when studying English.  And even though English has an enormous vocabulary, you need only a fraction of that